At work

Almost cried again at work the other day. When will this end?
My phone is cut off, havent payed the bill. Hopefully will be back on before the weekend...

News on the money

Yup, im getting it. But we made a deal. D will give me my vacation ticket and then 3000 crowns in cash when he gets back from Africa. The ticket is about 8000, so im getting a good deal, he really owes me 5-6000 in total. I should be getting that shit for free, but what the hell. I wanna get rid of him, and i know he owes other people money, and i know he is broke. So this is probably the best Ill do. Im happy im getting anything.

He sent me two text, asking me again when i wanna leave Sweden. I sent him my dates, but before that i asked if i can trust him, being that he hates me now. I cussed him out bad and loud at the party, and i was crazy drunk, so im pretty sure i offended A in many ways too. I dont give a shit, she is lucky i didnt beat the crap out of her.
He answered, "i dont hate you". Id love to hear, face to face, what he has to say about this whole thing. When he is ready. Im still not over him. BLAH!

A little hungover

But happy!

i laughed so much last night! The new years dinner was great, they had a cake and sang for me and everything:)
after that we went out, two dance floors, good music, good friends, lots of dancing. There were so many of us we lost each other every now and then, but i think everyone had a good night!

On another note, D sent me a text during the day. See, i emailed him two days before since he wasnt answering my texts about the money that i want back. So i threatened him saying if he wants revenge, thats what he will get if i dont have my money in two weeks (im going on vacation in about four weeks) cause that seems to be the only language he speaks.
So he sent me a text saying he will organize the plane ticket for me, just send me the dates i wanna fly. Im gonna accept that as interest on the money he owes me, cause i still want my cash, i need to pay bills. We´ll see what he says. Lord knows he feels bad now, cause he would have ignored my email if he didnt, i know that.

I had family and friends over yesterday for cake and champagne, and one of mine and A´s mutual friends were there. This is a girl that i love, but we dont hang out that much, she is more A´s friend. Of course, when everyone had left but her and some other mutual friends, we started talking about D. I then realized that all the dirt i was throwing out there on D would get right back to A when she finds out this friend of ours was here. One more point for me:)
A needs to know who she is dating, the more shit she knows about him, the better. Maybe they´ll brake up:)
that would be lovely.
A apparently called a friend of ours after that infamous party at Q´s house to hear what i had told her when we were in a room together. I was talking shit of course! She knows that. I dont give a fuck. There is nothing i could say about A that could possibly hurt her as much as she has hurt me, so i dont care what i say, i dont care what she knows ive said, cause it aint nothing i wouldnt say to her face anyway.
Can she just move out of the country?

D was in an African country when he texted me. I can only imagine what he is doing there. Like, why would you go to that country? You have no connection to it, several other African countries, but not that one... So strange. I only think about the dude i met when you were "on vacation" for 30 days this summer and i visited you. He was also on "vacation" and he was from that country... and his "vacation" was for importing stuff...
D should be desperate enough to do some stupid shit like that right now. He owes money to at least three more people i know. And i know he owes more money to others, since i have some inside info...

oh well, im glad he is not my problem anymore.
Then why am i still upset with him and A? Why cant i get over it? I dont want him back. I dont understand myself.

dec 30th

Tomorrow im going shopping! New years is gonna be great!
Im gonna be stunning at the party, crazy eyelashes and amazing heels. Im definitely blogging about my night out.

i was out two days ago. my male friend came up to me and said, "you have no idea how many men are asking me about you, who you are and if i know you" I think my smile was as wide as my face. i never thought a breakup with D could make me feel less confident, but deep inside im not the same girl i think. on a good note, im humbled. on a bad note im hurt. but im still hot;)

i think...

update..

Havent written in a while, felt too down.

I just have to add, my life is great! LOL
I mean, its easy to think im pathetic and this is all i think about, but the blog IS called "my messy breakup" right?

Actually, things are looking better.

So many things around me are great that i cant let A and D pull me down completely. School, party, dance, friends, my cats, my birthday coming up in two days, me still being hotter than a mutha when i go out and gettin "mad burn" as my NY sister would say. Apparently that means the men show you love in the club.....lol
And Q, she´s a great friend right now. Since she is A´s best friend, but has now stepped back from her and feel like she wants to "break up" with her. It makes me feel like im not completely wrong in my hate for A and D. They suck.

i went to the party. Both of them were there. I ignored A and she ignored me. Someone said "here is D, you know him right? " i just looked at him and said "yes".

but of course, with alcohol and emotions runnin wild, at the end of the night things were a bit different. I had cussed D out, screaming at the top of my lungs, and A said to me when we were confronted with eachother "why am i even talking to you, you turned all my friends against me". yeah, I turned them against you... Like you didnt do that by your damn self. when i came to the party, all your friends looked at me and asked how i was feeling and proceded to look at me with doggy eyes saying they heared what happened and felt bad for me. So A, you turned them against you by your damn self, i didnt even have to add to my case. A strong fuckin case that is.

but i had a good time at the party before all this went down. D stayed out of my way, so did A. but as i have mentioned before, the fact that they went there, both of them, is appaling to me.

So at this point, my sadness has turned into hate and discust. More discust than anything, i feel like throwing up when i think of them together.

The bad thing is i feel like getting even. I dont give a shit about her, she is lonley anyway. but him, i have some things, passwords...i could get even if i wanted to. He promised me my money back (can u believe he still owes me cash? and is in no hurry to pay that shit back?) more than three weeks ago, and i still havent seen them. so i emailed him today, lets see what he answeres.

Not sure

Not sure what to do tomorrow. I really need to have fun and see my friends, but im not sure i can face A and D who are insisting on going ever though she is not wanted there. I dont know what to do. Ill probably talk to D tomorrow during the day. But those are two false motherfuckers, he could tell me he is alone, but be with her. Since she only calls me when she is with him. I dont know what they are afraid of, me? Why cant you be honest and talk to me alone? I dont get it.

Out of my-out of my head...getout

Im having bad thoughts. Get out of my head. I know what would hurt her, but it would also make me look bad. Dont know if i care, but i think i do...

Its a struggle not to stoop that low...

I know im blaming them for all of this. And more her. I believe i explained why.
My mind is not clear enough to see my part in all this, although i know its in here somewhere. I know i cant blame them for it all, but i also know what they did was wrong. That will be my main focus for now.

Part of me wants to see her, needs to see how i react when i do. Maybe i should let her see me break down. Maybe i should not wait til im over it, so she might think its wasnt all that bad...