She, A, called me in the middle of dinner, and now it sits cold on the table. Me loosing it in cry- mode made me forget to eat.
I hope this dont turn into me and M all over again, when we "broke up" i couldnt eat for days and days...
Time to go reheat.
And no more cryin! I have to work tomorrow and puffy eyes are a dead giveaway. Im very good at hiding my feelings, great as a matter of fact. Thats why im so shocked right now. Cause im reacting like a real woman for once.
onsdag 26 november 2008
Love is love- you could have waited
love is love but you could have waited
thats all i ask
you could have waited
and you should have waited
love is love
so love will be love next year too
there was no hurry
for you
or for her
everything could have been avoided if you had not been selfish
love is love, always have been always will be
and you could have waited
thats all i ask
you could have waited
and you should have waited
love is love
so love will be love next year too
there was no hurry
for you
or for her
everything could have been avoided if you had not been selfish
love is love, always have been always will be
and you could have waited
Dont get me wrong...
...im mad at him too. He was my friend, he said what we have even when we are not lovers, is something special, that he will always be my friend. But friends dont do this. You have no idea what it means to be a friend.
What i gave up for you. Cause you were my friend. Its unbelievable, but now i think you tricked me into it. You came with me for the first visit to the hospital, making me think that you would actually come and meet me for my next. Telling me youd be an hour or so late, just so I would take that first pill and it would not be reversible. You knew that if I knew you wouldnt show up, i would not have done it, and you would have a son. Or another daughter. But as long as you made sure I took that first pill, youd be home free. Then you could run and hide.
I had forgiven you, you know that.
But now it all comes back. You digged that shit right up again. Cause i wanted that baby. I did. You know i did.
Thats why im mad. The baby. The money. The fact that i saved you, and did my best to save you multiple times, but you do this to me. I did all that, and you feel you can just trade me in for A. You can toss me aside and claim "it just happened" when you knew damn well how small it would make me feel, how it would break me down, how it would make me feel like i did it all in vain and that it didnt mean shit to you. That I didnt mean shit to you. And you thought that im always so nice, ill just gobble up your "im sorries" and move on.
Well guess what?
Its not that easy.
And im cryin like a baby.
What i gave up for you. Cause you were my friend. Its unbelievable, but now i think you tricked me into it. You came with me for the first visit to the hospital, making me think that you would actually come and meet me for my next. Telling me youd be an hour or so late, just so I would take that first pill and it would not be reversible. You knew that if I knew you wouldnt show up, i would not have done it, and you would have a son. Or another daughter. But as long as you made sure I took that first pill, youd be home free. Then you could run and hide.
I had forgiven you, you know that.
But now it all comes back. You digged that shit right up again. Cause i wanted that baby. I did. You know i did.
Thats why im mad. The baby. The money. The fact that i saved you, and did my best to save you multiple times, but you do this to me. I did all that, and you feel you can just trade me in for A. You can toss me aside and claim "it just happened" when you knew damn well how small it would make me feel, how it would break me down, how it would make me feel like i did it all in vain and that it didnt mean shit to you. That I didnt mean shit to you. And you thought that im always so nice, ill just gobble up your "im sorries" and move on.
Well guess what?
Its not that easy.
And im cryin like a baby.
Headache
This is gonna be one miserable blog. Hopefully at the end it will all be sunshine and flowers, then ill have to change the name of it...
Ive cried so hard my head now hurts. My eyes are sore and puffy. Ive been crawled up in fetal position, crying my eyes out, like they do in movies. The neighbors could probably hear me, thats how loud and ugly it was. I was hyperventilating, couldnt breathe, coughing...ugh...
I cried because A called me. She called. The new woman. The other woman.
I saw her name on my display and fuckin LOST it! I had no idea i had all these feelings. Or, its that i am now starting to understand WHY i have these feelings. I hate her, but i couldnt say why. Im not in love with D, and i dont want to be his girlfriend. He made a mess out of my life, but i love him. So if im not mad she "took" the love of my life, why am i mad?
I mad she stole my dream. Im mad she knows our history and still chose to not wait. She knew it would hurt me, but didnt choose to wait.
I know deep down that him and I are not meant to be together as lovers, as a couple. But my dream right now was to try. I was ready to try, and thats what he wanted too, since he told me so. But then he changed his mind, and the same day, poof! SHE was there to scoop him up. Actually, before he dumped me, she was there to scoop him up.
The dream she stole was that i was finally gonna have a man in Sweden, i was gonna learn what it meant to be a girlfriend for real. And i loved him, still do, always will.
What they did has made me feel like all the history me and D had was useless, didnt matter. Everything i did for him... She even defended me once and cussed him out for something he did to me, and now she turns around and takes him from me? Fuckin insane.
Ive cried so hard my head now hurts. My eyes are sore and puffy. Ive been crawled up in fetal position, crying my eyes out, like they do in movies. The neighbors could probably hear me, thats how loud and ugly it was. I was hyperventilating, couldnt breathe, coughing...ugh...
I cried because A called me. She called. The new woman. The other woman.
I saw her name on my display and fuckin LOST it! I had no idea i had all these feelings. Or, its that i am now starting to understand WHY i have these feelings. I hate her, but i couldnt say why. Im not in love with D, and i dont want to be his girlfriend. He made a mess out of my life, but i love him. So if im not mad she "took" the love of my life, why am i mad?
I mad she stole my dream. Im mad she knows our history and still chose to not wait. She knew it would hurt me, but didnt choose to wait.
I know deep down that him and I are not meant to be together as lovers, as a couple. But my dream right now was to try. I was ready to try, and thats what he wanted too, since he told me so. But then he changed his mind, and the same day, poof! SHE was there to scoop him up. Actually, before he dumped me, she was there to scoop him up.
The dream she stole was that i was finally gonna have a man in Sweden, i was gonna learn what it meant to be a girlfriend for real. And i loved him, still do, always will.
What they did has made me feel like all the history me and D had was useless, didnt matter. Everything i did for him... She even defended me once and cussed him out for something he did to me, and now she turns around and takes him from me? Fuckin insane.
I never thought i would cry like this
I cried when that thing with me and M happened late this summer.
But this is different.
I feel betrayed. Back stabbed.
Ive only cried about ten times today. Lets call that a good day.
Q called and told me A is sad. She is not herself anymore. Well A, was it worth it? D wanted to talk to me about it all today when he called, but i felt he should come here. Home to me and tell me to my face. Its so easy to defend yourself when you dont see my tears. Its so easy to defend yourself over the phone. In person, you will have to DEAL.
I hope she will never be herself again. Right now, i can NOT forgive. I should for my own sake, be a lil buddah, forgive, see the light, be kind, not hate....
I cant!
I want to get even.
I want D to fail his stupid music carreer.
I want A to be misarable working as a lousy store clerk while i make it big in the industry.
I want them to brake up and be unhappy.
I want a successful gorgeous man who would kick D´s ass any day.
I want them to be stuck in D´s terrible debt and finance bullshit.
But deep inside i want none of this. (except for the man and my carreer)
I want everybody to be happy. Me, you, her, him, she, it, them, we.
But right now, i want A and D to be dead and gone.
But this is different.
I feel betrayed. Back stabbed.
Ive only cried about ten times today. Lets call that a good day.
Q called and told me A is sad. She is not herself anymore. Well A, was it worth it? D wanted to talk to me about it all today when he called, but i felt he should come here. Home to me and tell me to my face. Its so easy to defend yourself when you dont see my tears. Its so easy to defend yourself over the phone. In person, you will have to DEAL.
I hope she will never be herself again. Right now, i can NOT forgive. I should for my own sake, be a lil buddah, forgive, see the light, be kind, not hate....
I cant!
I want to get even.
I want D to fail his stupid music carreer.
I want A to be misarable working as a lousy store clerk while i make it big in the industry.
I want them to brake up and be unhappy.
I want a successful gorgeous man who would kick D´s ass any day.
I want them to be stuck in D´s terrible debt and finance bullshit.
But deep inside i want none of this. (except for the man and my carreer)
I want everybody to be happy. Me, you, her, him, she, it, them, we.
But right now, i want A and D to be dead and gone.
You knew this would hurt me, and did it anyway
Yup.
You knew.
You knew it was wrong, and you knew it would hurt me. I feel like its hurt me beyond repair. I wont trust again. I dont want any new female friends, cause id never trust them around my man. Apparently, the only women i can trust round my man are the ones ive know forever and ever. And i cant get a new "since forever" girlfriend.
Both A and D tried to hide it from me. They told other people before they told me. They never told me, my best friend couldnt stand seeing me, talking to me, knowing what was going on, knowing that i didnt know. So she told me. And she did the right thing. D, i dont care that you are angry with her, she did the right thing.
Both A and D have, since this bomb dropped, made it clear that they think it would have been better if i didnt know they were together. How could i not know? D told more than one of my closest friends. He even told a friend that I introduced to him, someone who is MY friend first, not HIS. What the hell were you thinking???
You knew.
You knew it was wrong, and you knew it would hurt me. I feel like its hurt me beyond repair. I wont trust again. I dont want any new female friends, cause id never trust them around my man. Apparently, the only women i can trust round my man are the ones ive know forever and ever. And i cant get a new "since forever" girlfriend.
Both A and D tried to hide it from me. They told other people before they told me. They never told me, my best friend couldnt stand seeing me, talking to me, knowing what was going on, knowing that i didnt know. So she told me. And she did the right thing. D, i dont care that you are angry with her, she did the right thing.
Both A and D have, since this bomb dropped, made it clear that they think it would have been better if i didnt know they were together. How could i not know? D told more than one of my closest friends. He even told a friend that I introduced to him, someone who is MY friend first, not HIS. What the hell were you thinking???
Long day
He called today.
Saying he cant take it, that this situation is getting out of hand.
See, A also hurt someone, she left someone for him, D. So she hurt me, she hurt the one she left, and the one she left is also in our circle of closest friends. From what ive heard he is not hurt...but he dislikes what A did, and his friends dont like it one bit either.
What the fuck were you thinking???
A and me share the same best friend. The one A left is also my best friends best friend. Do you get it? Its one messy pile of dirt. And A and D say, "it just happened"...
It didnt just happen, YOU TWO decided it was more important to sleep together and all of a sudden "be in love, not gonna hide it from anybody, we are in title to our feelings"
Damn right you are, and you two can fuck off with em. Take your feelings and leave. Cause I would NEVER do this to another. Never.
Saying he cant take it, that this situation is getting out of hand.
See, A also hurt someone, she left someone for him, D. So she hurt me, she hurt the one she left, and the one she left is also in our circle of closest friends. From what ive heard he is not hurt...but he dislikes what A did, and his friends dont like it one bit either.
What the fuck were you thinking???
A and me share the same best friend. The one A left is also my best friends best friend. Do you get it? Its one messy pile of dirt. And A and D say, "it just happened"...
It didnt just happen, YOU TWO decided it was more important to sleep together and all of a sudden "be in love, not gonna hide it from anybody, we are in title to our feelings"
Damn right you are, and you two can fuck off with em. Take your feelings and leave. Cause I would NEVER do this to another. Never.
tisdag 25 november 2008
He just called
...tryin to make things right, cause HE feels bad. Cause all of our mutual friends are being dragged into this bullshit, choosing sides, not wanting his new girl around.
Well, yes, YOU dragged everybody into this by not telling me what was going on, by telling THEM first. By making me feel insignificant, not important enough.
The history we had and still have was obliterated the second you did what you did. And then you say you want us to be friends. That we have a history. You effectively killed that past by leaving me for her.
I dont think you know what it feels like to be left for someone else. It dont matter if i was in love with you or not. Knowing that you left me for her KILLS my selfesteem, selfworth, and all i can do is cry and wonder. Wonder when ill get it all back. Myself. When will i get myself back? When will i feel happy when im out dancing? When will i feel happy period?
Well, yes, YOU dragged everybody into this by not telling me what was going on, by telling THEM first. By making me feel insignificant, not important enough.
The history we had and still have was obliterated the second you did what you did. And then you say you want us to be friends. That we have a history. You effectively killed that past by leaving me for her.
I dont think you know what it feels like to be left for someone else. It dont matter if i was in love with you or not. Knowing that you left me for her KILLS my selfesteem, selfworth, and all i can do is cry and wonder. Wonder when ill get it all back. Myself. When will i get myself back? When will i feel happy when im out dancing? When will i feel happy period?
Background
This is the story about my messy break up.
He left me, and i dont know how to get over it. My feelings are all over the place, and i have to try every and anything to make my stupid heart understand. Understand why, how....and so many more questions.
Ive tried in the past to write down things, when shit happens to me, in an effort to move on. It has helped, and this time, in the era of blogs, i think this could be a solution. If not, ill just stop blogging.
Its not even about you reading this, you, HER or anybody we know. Its all about me.
I hope neither one of you finds this blog and understands its me, cause if you read this, you´d know...
But for me to keep track of everybody ill be writing about, SHE, the other or should i say new, woman will be namned A. You, the man who left me is D.
Everyone in this blog will be namned by one letter only, as their story is woven into mine...
He left me, and i dont know how to get over it. My feelings are all over the place, and i have to try every and anything to make my stupid heart understand. Understand why, how....and so many more questions.
Ive tried in the past to write down things, when shit happens to me, in an effort to move on. It has helped, and this time, in the era of blogs, i think this could be a solution. If not, ill just stop blogging.
Its not even about you reading this, you, HER or anybody we know. Its all about me.
I hope neither one of you finds this blog and understands its me, cause if you read this, you´d know...
But for me to keep track of everybody ill be writing about, SHE, the other or should i say new, woman will be namned A. You, the man who left me is D.
Everyone in this blog will be namned by one letter only, as their story is woven into mine...
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