I never thought i would cry like this

I cried when that thing with me and M happened late this summer.
But this is different.
I feel betrayed. Back stabbed.

Ive only cried about ten times today. Lets call that a good day.

Q called and told me A is sad. She is not herself anymore. Well A, was it worth it? D wanted to talk to me about it all today when he called, but i felt he should come here. Home to me and tell me to my face. Its so easy to defend yourself when you dont see my tears. Its so easy to defend yourself over the phone. In person, you will have to DEAL.

I hope she will never be herself again. Right now, i can NOT forgive. I should for my own sake, be a lil buddah, forgive, see the light, be kind, not hate....
I cant!

I want to get even.
I want D to fail his stupid music carreer.
I want A to be misarable working as a lousy store clerk while i make it big in the industry.
I want them to brake up and be unhappy.
I want a successful gorgeous man who would kick D´s ass any day.
I want them to be stuck in D´s terrible debt and finance bullshit.

But deep inside i want none of this. (except for the man and my carreer)
I want everybody to be happy. Me, you, her, him, she, it, them, we.

But right now, i want A and D to be dead and gone.