Tomorrow im going shopping! New years is gonna be great!
Im gonna be stunning at the party, crazy eyelashes and amazing heels. Im definitely blogging about my night out.
i was out two days ago. my male friend came up to me and said, "you have no idea how many men are asking me about you, who you are and if i know you" I think my smile was as wide as my face. i never thought a breakup with D could make me feel less confident, but deep inside im not the same girl i think. on a good note, im humbled. on a bad note im hurt. but im still hot;)
i think...
måndag 29 december 2008
update..
Havent written in a while, felt too down.
I just have to add, my life is great! LOL
I mean, its easy to think im pathetic and this is all i think about, but the blog IS called "my messy breakup" right?
Actually, things are looking better.
So many things around me are great that i cant let A and D pull me down completely. School, party, dance, friends, my cats, my birthday coming up in two days, me still being hotter than a mutha when i go out and gettin "mad burn" as my NY sister would say. Apparently that means the men show you love in the club.....lol
And Q, she´s a great friend right now. Since she is A´s best friend, but has now stepped back from her and feel like she wants to "break up" with her. It makes me feel like im not completely wrong in my hate for A and D. They suck.
i went to the party. Both of them were there. I ignored A and she ignored me. Someone said "here is D, you know him right? " i just looked at him and said "yes".
but of course, with alcohol and emotions runnin wild, at the end of the night things were a bit different. I had cussed D out, screaming at the top of my lungs, and A said to me when we were confronted with eachother "why am i even talking to you, you turned all my friends against me". yeah, I turned them against you... Like you didnt do that by your damn self. when i came to the party, all your friends looked at me and asked how i was feeling and proceded to look at me with doggy eyes saying they heared what happened and felt bad for me. So A, you turned them against you by your damn self, i didnt even have to add to my case. A strong fuckin case that is.
but i had a good time at the party before all this went down. D stayed out of my way, so did A. but as i have mentioned before, the fact that they went there, both of them, is appaling to me.
So at this point, my sadness has turned into hate and discust. More discust than anything, i feel like throwing up when i think of them together.
The bad thing is i feel like getting even. I dont give a shit about her, she is lonley anyway. but him, i have some things, passwords...i could get even if i wanted to. He promised me my money back (can u believe he still owes me cash? and is in no hurry to pay that shit back?) more than three weeks ago, and i still havent seen them. so i emailed him today, lets see what he answeres.
I just have to add, my life is great! LOL
I mean, its easy to think im pathetic and this is all i think about, but the blog IS called "my messy breakup" right?
Actually, things are looking better.
So many things around me are great that i cant let A and D pull me down completely. School, party, dance, friends, my cats, my birthday coming up in two days, me still being hotter than a mutha when i go out and gettin "mad burn" as my NY sister would say. Apparently that means the men show you love in the club.....lol
And Q, she´s a great friend right now. Since she is A´s best friend, but has now stepped back from her and feel like she wants to "break up" with her. It makes me feel like im not completely wrong in my hate for A and D. They suck.
i went to the party. Both of them were there. I ignored A and she ignored me. Someone said "here is D, you know him right? " i just looked at him and said "yes".
but of course, with alcohol and emotions runnin wild, at the end of the night things were a bit different. I had cussed D out, screaming at the top of my lungs, and A said to me when we were confronted with eachother "why am i even talking to you, you turned all my friends against me". yeah, I turned them against you... Like you didnt do that by your damn self. when i came to the party, all your friends looked at me and asked how i was feeling and proceded to look at me with doggy eyes saying they heared what happened and felt bad for me. So A, you turned them against you by your damn self, i didnt even have to add to my case. A strong fuckin case that is.
but i had a good time at the party before all this went down. D stayed out of my way, so did A. but as i have mentioned before, the fact that they went there, both of them, is appaling to me.
So at this point, my sadness has turned into hate and discust. More discust than anything, i feel like throwing up when i think of them together.
The bad thing is i feel like getting even. I dont give a shit about her, she is lonley anyway. but him, i have some things, passwords...i could get even if i wanted to. He promised me my money back (can u believe he still owes me cash? and is in no hurry to pay that shit back?) more than three weeks ago, and i still havent seen them. so i emailed him today, lets see what he answeres.
fredag 5 december 2008
Not sure
Not sure what to do tomorrow. I really need to have fun and see my friends, but im not sure i can face A and D who are insisting on going ever though she is not wanted there. I dont know what to do. Ill probably talk to D tomorrow during the day. But those are two false motherfuckers, he could tell me he is alone, but be with her. Since she only calls me when she is with him. I dont know what they are afraid of, me? Why cant you be honest and talk to me alone? I dont get it.
onsdag 3 december 2008
Out of my-out of my head...getout
Im having bad thoughts. Get out of my head. I know what would hurt her, but it would also make me look bad. Dont know if i care, but i think i do...
Its a struggle not to stoop that low...
I know im blaming them for all of this. And more her. I believe i explained why.
My mind is not clear enough to see my part in all this, although i know its in here somewhere. I know i cant blame them for it all, but i also know what they did was wrong. That will be my main focus for now.
Part of me wants to see her, needs to see how i react when i do. Maybe i should let her see me break down. Maybe i should not wait til im over it, so she might think its wasnt all that bad...
Its a struggle not to stoop that low...
I know im blaming them for all of this. And more her. I believe i explained why.
My mind is not clear enough to see my part in all this, although i know its in here somewhere. I know i cant blame them for it all, but i also know what they did was wrong. That will be my main focus for now.
Part of me wants to see her, needs to see how i react when i do. Maybe i should let her see me break down. Maybe i should not wait til im over it, so she might think its wasnt all that bad...
They just cant leave me alone pt.2
D owes me money. About as much as i need to get by a month. Im broke, so i texted him today to tell him to pay up. As im texting him, A calls me! Like, didnt i tell you id call when i was ready? Id call when i could see your name on my display without crying? Nah, she feels we need to talk. Of course we do, eventually we will bump into eachother, and i dont want all hell to break loose. But i dont wanna see you for your sake, i wanna see you for my sake, thus, when IM ready.
Since i didnt answer, she sent me a text:
"Just wanted to see if you were ready to talk. It would be good if we talked before the party. I will also be there. None of us have more or less right to go, so i think we both shall go. Call me!"
Thing is, Q is having a party at her house, our mutual best friend. Long story short: I told Q that i wasnt coming if A was. I was definitely not coming if both A and D was gonna be there, showing their love in my face. Q understood and said she wanted me to come, but she was not gonna tell A to stay at home, thats her best friend. I respect that. D says "so youre not going?" and i explained that him and A have no respect for me and my feelings. I was helping with this party before they fucked behind my back. If anything, D should stay at home, its the two of them together i dont wanna see, but he wanted me to guarantee nothing would happen to A if she went. I said i cant guarantee that at all.
So he said hed stay at home, then A said she was gonna stay at home, and now all of a sudden, she is going. So this is how it went down:
i answered:
"nobody has more or less right to go, but you and D are nothing but mean if you feel both of you can be there together right in front of my eyes"
A:
"Its not about anyone wanting to be mean. if you dont wanna talk to me then at least talk to D"
Me:
"This whole thing is so messy, im practicing and cant talk right now. D was supposed to talk to me already but has avoided that of course. I dont think any of you understand how sad i am. I cant even write this without crying. No matter who i talk to i wont be over this by the weekend. I dont understand how the two of you cant respect another human being you have hurt, that a party is more important. Im not the one who did the wrong thing."
about four hours later i got this:
"Dont know how to answer your text. But my intention was never to be mean to you. i understand what you say but still hope we might be able to solve this and talk. I respect you! Even though i havent showed it. meet me so we can talk. Hugs!"
A, you dont understand.
Im throwing myself the biggest pity-party of all time, dont stop me now!?
I cant see your NAME without crying my damn eyes out, HOW could i POSSIBLY meet you?
Thing is, when Q said A wasnt coming to the party, i felt a sting in my heart. So somewhere deep down i do feel for her.
But she is not the one that is alone. Im getting not one but two cats tomorrow, all because i feel lonely. Ill be lovin my cats tho, dont get me wrong!
D sent me a message saying he will have my money by next week. Ending with a cheerful "but ill see you on saturday!" to which i answered "probably not since both you and A are going" Didnt get an answer, obviously, he didnt talk to her to find out her new plan to break me down even further.
Since i didnt answer, she sent me a text:
"Just wanted to see if you were ready to talk. It would be good if we talked before the party. I will also be there. None of us have more or less right to go, so i think we both shall go. Call me!"
Thing is, Q is having a party at her house, our mutual best friend. Long story short: I told Q that i wasnt coming if A was. I was definitely not coming if both A and D was gonna be there, showing their love in my face. Q understood and said she wanted me to come, but she was not gonna tell A to stay at home, thats her best friend. I respect that. D says "so youre not going?" and i explained that him and A have no respect for me and my feelings. I was helping with this party before they fucked behind my back. If anything, D should stay at home, its the two of them together i dont wanna see, but he wanted me to guarantee nothing would happen to A if she went. I said i cant guarantee that at all.
So he said hed stay at home, then A said she was gonna stay at home, and now all of a sudden, she is going. So this is how it went down:
i answered:
"nobody has more or less right to go, but you and D are nothing but mean if you feel both of you can be there together right in front of my eyes"
A:
"Its not about anyone wanting to be mean. if you dont wanna talk to me then at least talk to D"
Me:
"This whole thing is so messy, im practicing and cant talk right now. D was supposed to talk to me already but has avoided that of course. I dont think any of you understand how sad i am. I cant even write this without crying. No matter who i talk to i wont be over this by the weekend. I dont understand how the two of you cant respect another human being you have hurt, that a party is more important. Im not the one who did the wrong thing."
about four hours later i got this:
"Dont know how to answer your text. But my intention was never to be mean to you. i understand what you say but still hope we might be able to solve this and talk. I respect you! Even though i havent showed it. meet me so we can talk. Hugs!"
A, you dont understand.
Im throwing myself the biggest pity-party of all time, dont stop me now!?
I cant see your NAME without crying my damn eyes out, HOW could i POSSIBLY meet you?
Thing is, when Q said A wasnt coming to the party, i felt a sting in my heart. So somewhere deep down i do feel for her.
But she is not the one that is alone. Im getting not one but two cats tomorrow, all because i feel lonely. Ill be lovin my cats tho, dont get me wrong!
D sent me a message saying he will have my money by next week. Ending with a cheerful "but ill see you on saturday!" to which i answered "probably not since both you and A are going" Didnt get an answer, obviously, he didnt talk to her to find out her new plan to break me down even further.
They just cant leave me alone
Like i said, i was starting to feel good again, didnt have to fight the tears every day.
I realize that was just because i was pushing all that shit to the back of my mind, not thinking about it, hoping it would go away. i felt calm. i still do, but it scares me. I feel hate. i feel like i hate D and A. I hate them both.
Its quite difficult, cause im a lover, not a hater, i never hate, always forgive.
I think that might be why D acts like he does, he doesnt know how i feel, he doesnt know im capable of these horrible feelings. I feel like if I see her now, ill smack the shit out of her. Ill hurt her, for real. Ill beat her up, kick her, slap her, bite her, pull her hair, rip her clothes. I want her to suffer. Cause she knew D´s and my history, she knew I was with him, but still made plans to see him, knowing what we had.
I think she wishes she could take it all back, but she cant.
I dont and never will keep people like her around. Someone who is able to do what she did. Its plain horrible. What if I would start dating my friends dude the DAY after he dumped her? isnt that fucked up? Thats what i meant about waiting.
If i fell in love with my friends man, id wait. Id tell him, there is no way we can do this to her as long as she is hurt about you breaking up with her. She has to move on, be happy, THEN we can tell her we are in love.
But for me to hear that shit the same week he dumps me? The same week he ruins my dreams? And then she expects me to be cool with seeing them toghether already? How the fuck does tour brain work? really? I know you, A, have friends who feel you are the most egotistical woman they know, now i understad exactly what they meant.
I realize that was just because i was pushing all that shit to the back of my mind, not thinking about it, hoping it would go away. i felt calm. i still do, but it scares me. I feel hate. i feel like i hate D and A. I hate them both.
Its quite difficult, cause im a lover, not a hater, i never hate, always forgive.
I think that might be why D acts like he does, he doesnt know how i feel, he doesnt know im capable of these horrible feelings. I feel like if I see her now, ill smack the shit out of her. Ill hurt her, for real. Ill beat her up, kick her, slap her, bite her, pull her hair, rip her clothes. I want her to suffer. Cause she knew D´s and my history, she knew I was with him, but still made plans to see him, knowing what we had.
I think she wishes she could take it all back, but she cant.
I dont and never will keep people like her around. Someone who is able to do what she did. Its plain horrible. What if I would start dating my friends dude the DAY after he dumped her? isnt that fucked up? Thats what i meant about waiting.
If i fell in love with my friends man, id wait. Id tell him, there is no way we can do this to her as long as she is hurt about you breaking up with her. She has to move on, be happy, THEN we can tell her we are in love.
But for me to hear that shit the same week he dumps me? The same week he ruins my dreams? And then she expects me to be cool with seeing them toghether already? How the fuck does tour brain work? really? I know you, A, have friends who feel you are the most egotistical woman they know, now i understad exactly what they meant.
Last weeks party
I went out with Q and her friends, plus J last week. I had a great time, and honest great time, didnt have to put on a happy face! Until today, i thought i was getting over this messy breakup bullshit. But ill write another post about that.
We went to a dancehall party, i put on my baddest outfit, showing off my new great body, and got so many compliments. When you feel like something the cat dragged in most of the time, its nights like those you have to suck it all in like a vacuumcleaner, take the compliments and dont be ashamed to do so.
And i danced my ass off! Had so much fun, didnt even drink too much. The next day i had a message on facebook from a guy who saw me there, saying he loved my look but was too shy to come up to me... I guess he found me on one of his friends profiles, but that have taken some detective work! Some woman was taking MAD pictures of me too, for a fashion site, she was snappin away at me when i was dancin with J like there was no tomorrow.
If this blog wasnt "undercover" id post those photos when i see them online. Maybe i will and just X out my face;)
We went to a dancehall party, i put on my baddest outfit, showing off my new great body, and got so many compliments. When you feel like something the cat dragged in most of the time, its nights like those you have to suck it all in like a vacuumcleaner, take the compliments and dont be ashamed to do so.
And i danced my ass off! Had so much fun, didnt even drink too much. The next day i had a message on facebook from a guy who saw me there, saying he loved my look but was too shy to come up to me... I guess he found me on one of his friends profiles, but that have taken some detective work! Some woman was taking MAD pictures of me too, for a fashion site, she was snappin away at me when i was dancin with J like there was no tomorrow.
If this blog wasnt "undercover" id post those photos when i see them online. Maybe i will and just X out my face;)
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