D owes me money. About as much as i need to get by a month. Im broke, so i texted him today to tell him to pay up. As im texting him, A calls me! Like, didnt i tell you id call when i was ready? Id call when i could see your name on my display without crying? Nah, she feels we need to talk. Of course we do, eventually we will bump into eachother, and i dont want all hell to break loose. But i dont wanna see you for your sake, i wanna see you for my sake, thus, when IM ready.
Since i didnt answer, she sent me a text:
"Just wanted to see if you were ready to talk. It would be good if we talked before the party. I will also be there. None of us have more or less right to go, so i think we both shall go. Call me!"
Thing is, Q is having a party at her house, our mutual best friend. Long story short: I told Q that i wasnt coming if A was. I was definitely not coming if both A and D was gonna be there, showing their love in my face. Q understood and said she wanted me to come, but she was not gonna tell A to stay at home, thats her best friend. I respect that. D says "so youre not going?" and i explained that him and A have no respect for me and my feelings. I was helping with this party before they fucked behind my back. If anything, D should stay at home, its the two of them together i dont wanna see, but he wanted me to guarantee nothing would happen to A if she went. I said i cant guarantee that at all.
So he said hed stay at home, then A said she was gonna stay at home, and now all of a sudden, she is going. So this is how it went down:
i answered:
"nobody has more or less right to go, but you and D are nothing but mean if you feel both of you can be there together right in front of my eyes"
A:
"Its not about anyone wanting to be mean. if you dont wanna talk to me then at least talk to D"
Me:
"This whole thing is so messy, im practicing and cant talk right now. D was supposed to talk to me already but has avoided that of course. I dont think any of you understand how sad i am. I cant even write this without crying. No matter who i talk to i wont be over this by the weekend. I dont understand how the two of you cant respect another human being you have hurt, that a party is more important. Im not the one who did the wrong thing."
about four hours later i got this:
"Dont know how to answer your text. But my intention was never to be mean to you. i understand what you say but still hope we might be able to solve this and talk. I respect you! Even though i havent showed it. meet me so we can talk. Hugs!"
A, you dont understand.
Im throwing myself the biggest pity-party of all time, dont stop me now!?
I cant see your NAME without crying my damn eyes out, HOW could i POSSIBLY meet you?
Thing is, when Q said A wasnt coming to the party, i felt a sting in my heart. So somewhere deep down i do feel for her.
But she is not the one that is alone. Im getting not one but two cats tomorrow, all because i feel lonely. Ill be lovin my cats tho, dont get me wrong!
D sent me a message saying he will have my money by next week. Ending with a cheerful "but ill see you on saturday!" to which i answered "probably not since both you and A are going" Didnt get an answer, obviously, he didnt talk to her to find out her new plan to break me down even further.
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Girl.... Where do I begin?? My heart goes out to you-but I need for you to stand your ground. Noone else needs to know that you're hurt. I want you to go to that party no matter what happens- Just don't bring any fire arms or blunt objects you know? The fact of the matter is that these people don't give a damn about how you feel-it's clear.. I don't care how many times they call.... They are full of shit. Please don't fuel the fire for them anymore-they need to know you're not playing that game... NOPE.. Stand your ground with pride-otherwise you will spend the rest of your time avoiding a situation that you could actually face up front. I am sooooo sorry that you are dealing with this-and I hope you realize it isn't the end of the world. You are BEAUTIFUL... I mean you are stunning-and I think you have the greatest personality- I really do- I have to tell you, I myself was impressed with you and your last visit to New York-So please... cheer up and don't fret-You've got this covered- trust noone, be yourself, LOVE YOURSELF.... And- you can always call me-I'm about as disconnected from this situation as it gets... Love you girl-you're great... BIG hugs...
Andrea! thanks! funny is, i was gonna let this blog be so undercover, but now ive told a couple of friends about it, and somehow it feels liberating.
I do want to go to the party, a whole bunch of ppl are coming only because of their connection to me, so if i dont go, they might back out also, and i dont want that.
But it will be torture... A and D are really gung ho on going. Like a fuckin statement, like "we have the right". Its just about ego and lack of empathy, and yes, thats their problem. But im too unhappy right now to see them happy, u know?
And yes, they are full of shit, cause i found out today that they were actually together last night when she called me. So she wants to talk, when he is around so he can listen! Itsnt that FUCKED UP? Like, what the hell happened to "woman to woman"? Where are my real women today? the ones who dont backstab but support eachother?
I just might give u a buzz:)
And thanks for the compliments...i feel like some NY attention would be good for me;)
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